Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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