um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
