Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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