we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
