I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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