forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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