I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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