Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
