Can i not drive my cunt home
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
