4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
