I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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