Pants 0. Shit 1.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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