Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
