Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
