when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
