when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
