this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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