Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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