Who wears a wallet chain?!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
