My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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