I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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