My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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