My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
