I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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