I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
