Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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