you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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