shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
