How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
