I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
