The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
