I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
