Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
