She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
