I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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