I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
