$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
its not stalking. its research.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
True college students do jello shots in the library
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