Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
