My room smells like vodka and shame
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
