i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
