Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
