she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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