I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
