Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
