woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
