The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
