I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
