Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
