okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
