Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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